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Rob Farley avatar image
Rob Farley asked

Which is the best SQL joke?

Apparently I have an "enormous armoury of shockingly bad jokes" (according to Phil Nolan)

One that I wrote myself is:

"I prefer Count Star to Count Dracula, because I don't like having to consider which Draculas are NULL."

Others that I heard elsewhere:

"A man walks into a bar and sees two tables. Says 'Can I join you?'"

"Q: What do you call someone who turns into Father Christmas whenever there's a full moon? A: A were-clause."

There's also the fact that my company LobsterPot Solutions (which has a claw as its logo) should use the slogan "SELECT Claws", but I don't want to do that because only the techies would get the joke, not the people who would be prepared to hire me.

But surely you guys can do better... please post them here.

humor
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GPO avatar image GPO commented ·
http://dbareactions.com/
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Rob Farley avatar image Rob Farley commented ·
Oh, and I will post the best ones to my blog as well, linking back to them here.
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25 Answers

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Steve Jones - Editor avatar image
Steve Jones - Editor answered

Sent to me from David Reed: http://www.virtualshackles.com/71/

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Jeremy H avatar image
Jeremy H answered

An Oracle DBA and a DB2 DBA walk into a bar. The barman asks them what they'd like to drink and a huge debate ensues on how to optimize the query. (Boom Tish)

Their mate the SQL Server DBA rolls in after about 15 minutes only to find them still arguing. After rolling his eyes at them, he walks up to the bar and greets the barman warmly. The barman asks him "Hey, you're a DBA too aren't you? Why aren't you joining in?" The SQL Server DBA grins at the barman and says "Ah... well... the reason I'm late is that this always happens when these clowns go out drinking - I work with SQL Server, so I had the option of optimizing the query using a wizard before I got here! So mine's a scotch!"

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Phil Factor avatar image Phil Factor commented ·
'Excuse me, but where is the nearest boozer?' 'You're talking to him!'
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Chris Webb avatar image
Chris Webb answered

Not SQL of course, but this is by far the most popular blog post I've ever done: http://cwebbbi.spaces.live.com/Blog/cns!1pi7ETChsJ1un_2s41jm9Iyg!290.entry

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Rob Farley avatar image Rob Farley commented ·
Yes, they're awful (but I think still on topic enough). Which is your favourite from amongst them?
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Rob Farley avatar image
Rob Farley answered

Someone should probably link to http://xkcd.com/327

alt text

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Grant Fritchey avatar image Grant Fritchey ♦♦ commented ·
One of the GREAT sql jokes.
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TimothyAWiseman avatar image TimothyAWiseman commented ·
Its hard to beat Bobby Tables when it comes to SQL humor.
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Ian Roke avatar image Ian Roke commented ·
The response from mum either tells me she is a DBA herself or that she has had to answer that question at least once a year for her son's life! :-)
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Mark avatar image
Mark answered

(This is just a copy of Bradley B.'s comment.)

I was working with the Army on a FileNet project that had a SQL backend. All the FileNet tech's, people on message boards, the sub contractor and Staff Seargent I worked with , and the naming convention of the Database and the Tables all used the acronym "FN" to refer to FileNet. It had been an intense couple of days working on a Prod system crash with some loooong hours.

So I walked into a meeting with our Lead Developer, Project Manager, and Network Chief and various other Army and Governmental folks And proceeded to say things like "The FN system is broke, The FN reps suggest this, based on the results of the FN system here are the FN results we are seeing. If we do this, this, and this we can get the FN system working."

I look up from what I had drawn on the wipe board and most everyone has tears in their eyes choking back laughter and the Network Chief says very loudly "FN YEAH, lets get that FN system working!"

  • Bradley B.

[from: http://www.sqlservercentral.com/Forums/FindPost917934.aspx ]

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Rob Farley avatar image Rob Farley commented ·
When talking about naming conventions, I often use the line (in talks - eg, my SQLBits talk "Designing for Simplification"): "I don't want no T tables, no V views, and no FN functions!"
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Phil Factor avatar image
Phil Factor answered
IT Contractor goes to the gates of heaven. Very indignant. He says to St Peter, "Look here, I was only 45 so why did I have to die? It's not fair." St Peter stares back with a puzzled frown, and leafs through the golden book. "Hey, that's odd. According to the hours you've claimed for, you're 120"
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Fatherjack avatar image Fatherjack ♦♦ commented ·
That's somewhat close to

DBA#1 "How many developers work at your office?"

DBA#2 "Oh, about half of them!"
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Phil Factor avatar image Phil Factor commented ·
How many Agile Devs does it take to change a lightbulb? It isn't just the lightbulb that needs changing, the whole wiring system needs to be refactored.
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Phil Factor avatar image Phil Factor commented ·
'I'm the key DBA in my team. I'm the one that locks up the office at night'
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Phil Factor avatar image Phil Factor commented ·
'At what time to the developers start work? Generally about three hours after they arrive in the morning'
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Phil Factor avatar image Phil Factor commented ·
Old .NET programmers don't die, they are just no longer persisted.
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ThomasRushton avatar image ThomasRushton ♦♦ commented ·
Nice. And now you've got over 500 karmic reputation points, what are you going to do with yourself?
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Jeff Moden avatar image
Jeff Moden answered
Which is the best SQL Joke? Heh.. that's too easy. The letters that appear after some folks names. ;-)
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Phil Factor avatar image Phil Factor commented ·
'I've half a mind to become an MVP, after all, that's all it takes.'
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Jeff Moden avatar image Jeff Moden commented ·
In that vein, Phil, "I'm glad we not twins or I'd be twice as stupid." ;-) Credit goes to Remi for that one.
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Jesse McLain avatar image
Jesse McLain answered
This joke relates to [jokes about the absolute toughness of Chuck Norris][1]: "NULL is the Chuck Norris of the database - nothing can be compared to it." [1]: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
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TimothyAWiseman avatar image TimothyAWiseman commented ·
Whole pages of Chuck Norris jokes out there, and this is the first one I've seen that included SQL.
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Mark avatar image
Mark answered
What kind of undergarments to DBAs wear? Well, (who'd have guessed it) [Depends][1]... [1]: http://www.us.depend.com/products?WT.mc_id=DPG&WT.srch=1
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Arturito avatar image
Arturito answered
There is a dedicated section of jokes with Chuck Norris related to programming: [ http://chucknorrisfacts.co.uk/fact/category/4/ ][1] and computers in general: [ http://chucknorrisfacts.co.uk/fact/category/2/][2] [1]: http://chucknorrisfacts.co.uk/fact/category/4/ [2]: http://chucknorrisfacts.co.uk/fact/category/2/
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